In the back seat of my mind

I might seem a brave person but I often question my actions. I was told I am bold because I don’t hesitate making tough decisions. And honestly I’d rather suffer form the consequences of the nth tough decision than to let myself follow the wrong road.

I might seem a cheerful person but I often feel like not being cheerful at all. I have learned to mask my worried or stressed face under this cheerful expression, which people tell me I have. I guess I do it because I don’t want to be questioned or I don’t want to explain myself. I know it’s a quite fake way of signaling the outside world about my mood but I find this way the easiest. Some people have difficulty being cheerful and smiling while I have difficulty showing how I really feel.

I might seem a bright person but I often feel so dumb and primitive. When I compare myself with my clever colleagues and friends I could feel so small. The concept of comparing myself  to the neighbor, to the classmate or to my friends had been imposed on me ever since I was a child. It could improve your competitiveness but it could be also ego damaging.

I might seem an active person but I often feel I am wasting my time. Again talking about comparing but hey look at all these young entrepreneurs having founded four start-ups by the age of 24 or all those people who manage somehow to travel all over the world. I haven’t traveled outside Europe and because of this fact I feel very ignorant. I keep having dreams about traveling to some exotic for my European eyes places and I keep disappointing myself for not managing it.

I might seem an extrovert person but I often feel isolate myself from everybody. This behavior, however, is not natural for my zodiac sign and therefore I feel guilty. The guilt doesn’t make things easier so I get gradually sadder and even less sure in myself. In such periods I tend to act in a weird way, trying to avoid people.

I might seem I have plenty of friends but often have the feeling I have lost so many friendships. There are periods in which I am so busy living that I don’t hear from very important for me people. The more time passes the more I think they don’t want to hear from me ever again. Once I disappointed somebody and she didn’t want to be my friend anymore so then I realised losing friend is actually not that difficult.

I spent plenty of time telling myself I should be like this or like that. I guess you reach a point when you stop doing that and instead you start appreciating and respecting yourself for the person you are. Well, I think I’m going there. There is still a long way to go until I stop ignoring what I might seem and what I might am but I am confident I’m on the right track. I hope you have the same feeling for yourselves!

 

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Camera Lubitel 2 | Film Lomography X-Pro 120mm | Belvedere, Vienna | Austria

P.S. Credits to Toma!

P.S.S. Sam thank you for your support and nice words, they are even more special to me  since they come from such a good artist. I hope you like these ones!!!

2 thoughts on “In the back seat of my mind

    1. Hey there, I’m glad I’m not the only one having all those inner fights. The most important thing is to find the way to make peace withourselves, right?
      Many thanks for the feedback!!

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